Chet The Scribe

My name is Chet Meeks. I am a 32 year old sociologist. I started this blog so that I can write about the things that interest me. I hope you enjoy it.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Hacking Something Besides Hair


Hello “people.”

The above picture was photoshopped by Michael R. in response to the way I insulted his weight. Michael, this photo is very clever -- and by clever, I mean stupid. I particularly like your use of shading, making appear as if a microwave light is shining on me from above, irradiating me. Very sophisticated, Rembrandt. Photo-realism is for people with weak imaginations, and emotional insecurities. Annie Liebowitz would have you as an appetizer – if she required food for survival. I suppose you're an Ansel Adams fan.

Well, I see that none of you has listened to my advice regarding Mr. Sick Boy. Don’t you know what a shallow, bottomless pit of narcissism you’re dealing with? Do you know anyone who uses the words “therapy,” “analysis,” “psyche,” “desire,” and “Freud” more than Chet? And this is the person upon whom you heap your nurture and good graces? Dear, sweet, knaves. I still don’t know what this “cancer” stuff means, but if I were any of you, I would have asked for copies of the scans before reserving flights. Chet would do anything for attention – anything!


He would even pretend to write as a cat!

Chet’s friend Chris came for his second treatment. There are two things I like about Chris. One is that he’s allergic to me, which meant that he left me alone. And I left you alone, too, didn’t I, Chris? I don’t understand this allergy business, though. How could someone be allergic to me? People make me sneeze, too, but you don’t see me complaining. Nonetheless, at least Chris’s “allergy” to me made Chet get off of his lazy, convalescing *&)$@ and sweep my hair off of the floor. Believe me, that’s about a 4000% improvement on his usual activity. He’s lazier than I am, and that takes quite a lot of sitting around.

Second, I like Chris’s approach to art. He’s not an emotional wreck like the modernists. And this is because he does not refuse to confront emotion in his work by trying to turn it into some set of abstract blobs, lines, and splats. I wish Chris’s art were more severe, like Annie’s, but I nonetheless admire the unabashed way in which he confront the human condition, especially in his nudes, without making his work look as if it belongs in an airport restroom (like Rothko, one of Chet’s favorites, and so a fool from the start).

Oh, and one final thing I like about Chris is that he corrects Chet’s English. Can you feel my glee? Chet, the “Professor,” the queen of manners, having his English corrected? Sweet justice! Here’s a little clue, “people”: Chetty Chet Chet does not know the difference between “like” and “as.” And he uses the word "like" AS IF (you listening, Chester?) he were a valley girl. "I'm like, so sick today. This chemo is like really awful. Oh My Gawd!" What a fop!

Then again, Chris flattered Chet by photographing him for a drawing. Again, “people,” don’t feed this bottomless-pit’s need for an ego-boost. You’re setting yourselves up. Do as I do (take note, Chet – not “like,” you bumbling goof), and ignore him.

Well, “people,” I have to go now. Chet, the local password sheriff, is getting out of the shower, and I need to finish reading an article on Anselm Kiefer (pathetic sentimentalist).

P.S. Don’t think it escaped my notice that my posts get far more response than any of Chet's. Rightfully so. And he thinks he's a "writer."

21 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tache:
Cats EVERYWHERE love you...you are our hero. Humans are so lame. Well... except when they give us tuna, acupunture and that other thing...rachee (sp? we really don't understand the spelling of human words)

Sincerely,
Gumby, Stewball, Dizzy, Gizmo, Theo and Monk.
p.s. yes, our 'people' are CAT CRAZY!!! Man...I wish they'd leave us alone! All that 'babies, lovies' and whatever.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Gumby et al.,

The masses are asses, and I am not a "cat." I am a polydachtyl art critic with little patience for faux fandom.

Susan Sontag tried the same gushy nonsense with Annie, and it got her nowhere. But Annie did photograph Susan's corpse! (She really did! Can you believe it?!!) So while your gushiness falls on deaf ears over here, I'd be happy to photograph you once you're dead. If you want to be famous, that is.

The word is Reike, by the way. Chet has it done after chemo. He thinks it works, but he's an idiot.

And if you really love me you'll send me some tuna NOW.

Hmph,

Tache

p.s. my address is:

1080 Euclid Avenue NE #107
Atlanta, GA 30307

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Tache,

Triumph The Comic Dog here. If you don't want a lawsuit on your hands I suggest you stop stealing my act. Yeah, MY act. First of all, I invented the insult pet schtick. (Yeah, I know, Garfield. But Garfield was mostly resigned to the Comics Page of a dying medium, newspapers. I brought pet insults to the big time. I went Hollywood. (See my complete bio and latest performances at: http://www.triumphtheinsultcomicdog.com/). Now about YOU. I don't know what I hate about you more, your species or your lack of identity. Tache! What kind of name is that you pretentious feline fraud? I poop on that name you flea-bitten prima-donna! The only thing I can't bark about is your attitude. You ain't lying when you say Chet is narcissist. I heard he writes reviews of himself on RateYourProfessor. I heard he only moved to Atlanta to test his friends' loyalty by seeing if they'd fly this far. I heard when he has orgasm, he calls out his own name! I poop on Chet! But back to you, cat chow. You may have attitude and occasional one-liners, but you second-rate pet comedian. If you want to learn from the master, then check out my act. But don't think you are big star just because you can lampoon idiot Chet. Who couldn't! You're no big star. Your just little (as the French say) Tache! This has been Triumph the Comic Dog. Check me out on Conan later this month!

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have no idea what a dog is. Sorry. And if I don't know what a dog is, then dogs must not be all that important. You do seem to have Chet figured out, but that doesn't take rocket science.

That aside, "Triumph" (what a silly name), do not compare what I do to what you do. You are vulgar, and common. "I'm going to poop on you?" We used to say that in school!

--Tache

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tache:
Is THIS you? Kiss ass...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLEax3LqtyU
Gumby et al.

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone,
Tache has sent out an urgent plea for her life. The photo you see involved no photoshop. Chet's special cancer anti-nausia mediation is kicking in full force. He's hungry. We must stop him before he eats any more cats, or (gasp) he starts microwaving all of his mid-century modern funiture.

From a cat who has taste (and not just for tuna).

6:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Chet:
How could you POSSIBLY eat a cat. Yuk...tough, devoid of taste and really furry. Trust me, I've tried it. I mean YUk. REALLY! And you thought we had ONLY six cats. Well...Batman and Jellybean where did they go? Cat heaven...like riiiiiight. And good lord, your Dad wants to have white cat for Thanksgiving? Make sure he doesn't choke on hair balls!

Why don't you just have a glass of Shiraz or whatever red wine you are curently drinking CONSTANTLY (perhaps since moving to Atlanta your taste has become more expensive!) Think "hello wine!"...that should get you over the cat meat craving.

Your formal car pool person (not a cat)

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tache,

hisses to you! you think you're such a smartycat, some sort of cultural critic, but what do you ever do besides leave piles of fur everywhere you lounge around. be mean to your human's humans, and type silly posts to this blog? have you ever been involved in the cat revolution? we doubt it. you're too self-centered, lazy, and nasty. you give cats a bad name.

more hisses,

hinky & bumble TPC
(True Pets to Chet)

ps: we love you Chet! come pet us!

7:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Hinky and Bumble,

Tache has been banned, once again, from the computer. I really apologize to everyone for her bad behavior. She looks sweet andinnocent, but obviously is not. And I frankly am stunned at her ability to hack into my computer and leave these posts of hers.

Every once in a while, when I come home, I notice that my art books have been re-arranged. And one time one of my Miros was hanging upside down! Now I know why.

Anyway Hinky and Bumble, I hope you're doing well. Bumble I really do wish you'd be nicer to your brother. I know you're an outdoors cat now and that you must feel very prideful, but there's no reason to take your newfound sense of masculinity out on Hinky, who is sweet.

Have you guys been introduced to Gumby, Stewball, Dizzy, Gizmo, Theo and Monk. They belong to a friend of my named Deirdre who lives in Oak Park, Illinois. They are nice cats, too. Deirdre owns 6 cats! Why 6 you ask?

Because (shh) Deirdre is crazy!

Talk to you soon.

Love, Chet

6:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Chet:
Yes, Deirdre is a bit of a kook but she does treat us very well...bottled water, gourmet cat food (sometimes she actually cooks us chicken!) and she cleans our cat litter everyday.

So we put up with her. Bernie's pretty normal but we don't get the same treatment when Deirdre is away. He gives us normal cat food and tap water!

BTW, we don't understand this word "own". Do you own Tache? We don't think so!
Gumby et al.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Gumby et al.,

Until Tache's writing abilities start paying off in the form of rent, yes, I own her.

I'm certain she would disagree, however.

--Chet

10:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we prefer the term "our humans" to "owners." we don't believe in private property -- that is, stuff that is off limits to us. hisses to that. and to Tache.
purrs to you, Chet.
-Bumble & Hinky

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right, we don't care about 'rent'. Why would THAT be a basis for 'ownership'? hisss... WE OWN THEM!

Chet has a very superior attitude --no wonder Tache is such a bitch!
Gumby et al.

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