Chet The Scribe

My name is Chet Meeks. I am a 32 year old sociologist. I started this blog so that I can write about the things that interest me. I hope you enjoy it.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Tache the Scribe



Hello "People," this is Tache. Chet is in the shower and he does not know that I can type. There are a LOT of things about me Chet does not know.

I have a few things to say.

First of all, that is not fat hanging off of the ledge in my picture (above right). I am just a very, very healthy cat. And that other picture (above left) is how I generally feel about all of you.

Second, I am sick and tired of Chet getting all the attention. Poor Chet. Boo hoo. Cry me a river. I don't know what cancer is, but I do know what tuna is, and I know that I haven't gotten any in a while. Chet says I can't have any tuna because all I ever do is lay around and shed all day. Well now all Chet does is lay around all day, so where's my $#@%% tuna? Chet gets to eat whatever he wants, and frankly, in recent weeks, he's been about as worthless as a cat, so I think what's good for Chet should be good for me.

Third, I am also sick and tired of you people coming over here and staying in MY apartment to take care of Chet. This is MY place, not his. If he's that sick, take him to a hospital. Or prop him up on a park bench. As long as I have something to eat, I don't care.

"Michael R," if you think that scratch I gave you on your hand hurt, just wait until you see what I do to your FACE the next time you come to my apartment. I've only just begun with you, my friend. Sleep with one eye open, that's all I have to say.

"Chad S.," thanks for teaching Chet his Sufi prayer -- you didn't think Chet already had enough annoying habits? Have you ever paid the slightest bit of attention to Chet's behavior? He's the biggest neurotic on wheels, a real nutjob, and you think some prayer is going to help?

And Lexy, my dear -- there's a reason I hide in the closet, okay? Everyone else thinks it's really cute when you wander around saying "Tache go?" but I don't. I'd pounce on you, but you're too close to my own size and it creeps me out.

Chet was always difficult to live with -- wish his clean-obsession and all of his other "tics" -- but you people and cancer have made him a thousand times worse -- and SOFT! At least he used to seem somewhat rational. Now all he does is muse about the meaning of life (gross), and how lucky he's been to have such wonderful friends (luck??? you get an adenocarcinoma and call it luck???). Poor deluded bastard.

What do you people do here anyway that I couldn't do? If Chet needs to eat regularly, I can take care of that. I'll feed the "cancer patient" some of this nasty kibble he's been feeding me for years. The stuff tastes like paper towels and goes through you like styrofoam. I'm sick of it. He says he needs bland foods anyway, and if there's anything I know, thanks to Chet, it's bland food.

Finally, I don't think modernists were modernists at all. I think they were sissy romantics who were afraid to face their own emotional investment in the human condition, so they tried to cover it up with all sorts of formalism and cynicism, but I don't buy it. I don't buy any of it. Arnold Schoenberg was just a no-talent who wanted to be like Beethoven, but couldn't, so he beat on the piano until his fists were bloody and they called it 12-tone. Picasso? You can't paint like Rembrandt when you refuse to use your thumbs. I should know. Pierre Boulez: I hate you!

Speaking of modernism, I'm really sick of Chet's furniture. None of it is comfortable. It's like balancing on the head of a pin to sit on the sofa (just ask Chet's friend Carla). I want it out of here. Now! Bring me something fluffy, and round -- something from Pottery Barn. That would really make Chet apoplectic, would it? *Snicker*

That's it. Chet is done with his shower. I'm surprised one of you ninnies wasn't here to help him bathe. Goodbye "People."

25 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

tache,

dude, are you not a *pet*?

your job is to be a pet, which means being petted by anyone and everyone, and to exhibit petlike behavior when your human has friends over to meet you. that is an opportunity to slut it up, as cats are meant to.

you are clearly a very bad cat.

send chet here and we will care for him properly and be nice to his friends. we napped with him after his first chemo and, in fact, told us we were better than you. he said:* i wish my cat could be like you.* there were tears in his eyes as he stroked us, tears of sadness because you suck as a pet but he is too nice to send you to a "farm in the country" -- though you deserve to go. andy met us and we were very nice to him (if not to each other).

we send you hisses and we send chet kisses,

-hinkypunk and glumbumble, TPS (True Pets to Chet)

12:19 PM  
Blogger carla said...

There it is. Glad to have you back, "Tache".

Carla

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Hinky and Bumble,

You can have him. He's yours. Just leave me some decent snacks.

Also, I'd like a copy of Annie Liebowitz's new photo book. She's so gruesome. Love her!

If you can manage that, Chet's all yours.

Sorry to see you two bought into all that pet nonsense. Sorry traitors.

--T

4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tache...well you certainly are self-absorbed bitch but that's why Chet loves you.

Ok, enough of all this warm and fuzzy corny shit. Let's face it, you are rather anti-social with visitors. You DID almost get my face with your damb claws while I was generously attempting to give you some fresh catnip. Only you didn't because I'm smarter than you.

Anyway, about this shedding thing you have...I've been trying to get Chet to give you a bath (yes in real water, tootsy roll) for quite sometime now. He's ALWAYS complaining about how much you shed. I keep telling him a bath will get rid of all that dead fur...although with you, it might clog the drain. Frankly I think Chet is afraid to do this, given your ahhhhhhh disposition.

However, I told him I'd be more than happy to give you a bath, particularly after that scratching episode. I'm an expert at cat baths BTW.

So, let's get right to the point, Sweatheart: I wouldn't think about scratching me when I come visit...Perhaps you should be REALLY nice to me....Remember BATH=WATER...WET...SOGGY...EWWWW...TRAUMA...
Best,
Deirdre
P.S. I always wear claw-proof gloves during cat bathtime.

5:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tache,

I just learned about Chet's blog today. Please let him know that I've been thinking about him and wishing him well. I'm glad you're there to help take care of him.

And don't listen to that Deirdre. Though I've never met you, I'm sure you're not a "self-absorbed bitch."

Make sure to give Chet lots of love.

Love,
Robert (in cold, snowy Buffalo)

6:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Deirdre:

All I have to say is if you try to give me a bath, you'd better call an ambulance and your plastic surgeon well in advance.

Ta, Tache

6:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Robert,

I believe poor little self-obsessed Chet has had enough stroking to last anyone a lifetime. But since you clearly know that Deirdre is a bitter gasbag, I'll pass your comments along to Mr. Sickly as soon as time permits. I'll be busy today -- watching Carmen on PBS -- but it's on my list.

Best W, Tache

P.S. Why on earth would you move to Buffalo? It's colder than hell there.

6:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tache,

I am so sorry you feel deprived. Next time I come to Atlanta, I will bring you gifts to lift your spirits. I haven't decided what, but I am leaning towards a German Shepard or a Pitt Bull. Or maybe I can buy you a kitty condo. It may be small and LOOK like a microwave but trust me; the buttons control the central heating and A/C. I think you would be quite comfortable at the “popcorn” setting.

Also, when I come, I will make sure you get some exercise. I will take you to Piedmont Park and let you commune with nature. I am sure you will find your way home.

Your friend and scratching post,
Michael R.

By the way, the doctor said they wouldn’t have to amputate my hand.

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tache:
I see the word DE-CLAWED in your future.
heh, heh, heh
Deirdre

P.S. don't listen to Robert. He actually gave away his three beautiful loving cats (unlike you they were friendly) because his son developed asthma. I mean, really, where are his priorities!

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Tosh,

Why don't you just lose some fucking weight?

--Max

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deridre -- you better move Dr. Botox up to #1 on your speed-dial because you're going to need him desperately when I'm done with you, and not just for the usual injections, Cher.

Michael -- I have no doubt that you know how to find the "popcorn" button on a microwave oven. Thunder theighs.

Max -- How does it feel to be the Kate Moss of the cat world? Actually, you're not a cat! You're just a spine and a ribcage with a little cape made of what used to be a cat. And "Tosh" is something Brittney Spears names one of her crib lizzards; my name is "Tache"; it's Francais, dustbag. Are you still having trouble finding the potty?

--Tache

10:59 AM  
Blogger Michael Roberts said...

Tache -

Just because Chet uses you as a sex slave doesn't give you the right to make fun of my muscular legs.

Also, I thought living with a PHD would help with your spelling.
Theighs? Is that French too?

11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Tauche" (sigh)-

How does it feel for your human to prefer ANY cat to you? Even one with a broken ass?

I do know french, by the way. Oui! Voila!
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? (ce soir?)

And for your information, I am a Birman, and Birmans are natually slender. And smart. Really smart. Funny, I couldn't find anything on breeds with grotesquely huge paws. Not even in Wikipedia.

---Max

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Michael, don't tell me you think Chet's PhD actually means something. That smug, self-absorbed pseudo-intellectual couldn't think his way across the street. He only got a PhD because he doesn't have any meaningful skills.

You know he only gets through about Tuesday on the NYT Crossword, don't you? After that, he googles the answers. Sad loser.

Has Chet talked to you about his "book?" The one he's been working on for -- what? -- 4 years now? "I'm working on my prospectus." What does that even mean? "'The book' is a lot different than the dissertation," he says. Puleez.

I can't believe you've fallen for this Poindexter's game.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Max:
We, meaning cats like Tache and myself, are among an very elite group called Hemingway cats. And this because of our so-called "grotesquely huge paws." The more technical term is polydactyl cat. But I'm not sure you read well enough to understand such a big word. We are descendents of Ernest Hemingway's cats and have a Mansion in Key West that Ernest left us after his untimely death in 1961. We have extraordinary climbing and hunting skills....Birman, my ass!
Gumby

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tache the Scribe appears to be far more popular than Chet the Scribe.

Chet, take back your blog!

A concerned cat

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