General Claims Innocence on Rape Charge

After selling a two-ton bag of feces to Congress this week, General David Petraeus will return to the catastrophe we've created in Iraq, but not before stopping off to defend himself against rape charges in St. George, Utah.

Petraeus, a Mormon polygamist leader, is charged with coercing a 14 year old girl into marrying her 19-year old cousin. Court documents and the girl's testimony claim that Petraeus coerced the girl by convincing her that, if she did not marry her cousin and consummate the marriage sexually, she would not attain spiritual afterlife in the celestial kingdom -- where good Mormons go and become Gods!! Polygamists believe that men have a god given right to marry as many wives as they can, including their sisters, cousins, and grandmothers. They have litters of children with these wives, and pay to feed them with welfare checks that come from your tax dollars, so that they can claim enough souls to create their own worlds once they become deities in the afterlife. I know: cuckoo.

Polygamists are also very adept at lying before Congress, and selling as shineola the shitty ideas of village idiots from Texas. Just remember that when a polygamist says the word "progress" to you, he really means "cataclysm." And when he tells you that as the Iraqis begin to take care of their own security, we will leave, he really means that we have every intention of colonizing them for the next 200 years, until their oil supply runs out.

Oh, wait a minute! That's Warren Jeffs..............sorry, General.